Do you notice patterns of behavior in your intimate relationships that leave you feeling disconnected? Many times we may even be unaware of the source of our disconnect, we just know something is out of sorts and the connection seems to be obstructed. We may even feel powerless to clear the path.
These times of disconnection are often rooted in our attachment style. Attachment begins before birth and is well established by age 5. We typically have the same attachment style as our primary caregiver. It is determined by the “emotional attunement” of our caregiver. I love the phrase “emotional attunement”. This is our ability to recognize, understand and engage with another person’s emotional state. Secure attachments are not built just by meeting needs. Any stranger can change a diaper, or offer food and shelter. Secure attachments are formed through attunement, which happens at a neurological level, a “my heart understands your heart” level. Hopefully we have all experienced this emotional, neurological connection at one time or another in our lives.
Dr. Dan Siegel says, “When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another.” When we attuned with our children we are making them feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure. This is how we move our precious children from an insecure attachment to an earned attachment.
As with everything else, it starts with us, not them. Recognizing my own insecure attachment has be painful and I have needed additional outside support, but we can earn secure attachment and so can our children.
Anna Valdez joins us to discuss this powerful topic on this week’s episode of the Mamas Well Podcast. Anna is not only an international trauma trainer, TBRI Educator, Trauma Free World Affiliate Trainer, she also served as a foster mother to over a dozen preteen and teenage girls for over 5 years in a group home. She has experienced firsthand the heartache that comes with an insecure attachment. She found herself in the trenches searching desperately for answers to the crazy, painful behaviors that come with trauma and loss, but when we seek we will find, and she did find answers. She shares these answers and more. Anna brings simplicity to Attachment theory and the 4 attachments styles. She shares stories that offer help and hope. You won’t want to miss this episode…it full of helpful information from someone who doesn’t just talk the talk, she’s walked in our shoes!
Thank you Anna!
DEEPER DOWN THE WELL
Learning your own attachment style can be helpful. Here a link
to the attachment quiz Anna suggests.. Have fun!